Goodbye 20

I'm writing this coming back from an event at my old high school. Being back there felt strange. Teachers who once felt like authority figures treated me like a peer. Some observations on turning 21:

• Most adults ~= big kids. People change very slowly (esp. on the inside). Even if they might look different on the outside.
• For most of my life, my age was my identity. Starting my company with Fireship, building Million.js at 16, dropping out, I always associated my identity with "the young person who did [X]."
• 21 is supposed to be college, drinking (legally!), finding a stable jobs. I'm doing none of those in the traditional sense. Maybe that's okay. I used to feel like I was missing the "normal" version of my life. I'm coming to terms that it's okay
• I get to code all day, and I fucking love it. Teenage me could never have imagined that!
• I write a lot more now. My notebook is almost always strapped to my hand. I read more. When I do, I read voraciously, and it changes how my brain thinks.
• I'm more grateful for those who choose to love me. I understand (now) how rare that is.
• I'm more okay with conflict now. I'm learning to set boundaries with people who don't respect me. I embrace tougher convos.
• I still suck at giving gifts. And texting. And I probably need to sleep more (trying to go from 5 -> 8 ). Those are on my list for 21.
• I have an extreme fear of death. The thought of ceasing to exist forever fills me with an irrational, almost animalistic terror beyond comprehension. Pain and suffering aren't what scare me most. It's the void—the idea that one day everything I've ever felt, thought, loved, or experienced will simply cease to exist.
• I don't really know how to make peace with that. I'm not sure anyone has either, other than maybe the most Zen monks. Maybe fear of death is a kind of gift. Maybe it means I care. Maybe it means this life, right now, matters to me more than I can put into words.
• So while I'm here, I want to mean it. The fear of dying and growing up is still there, but quieter. Growing up isn't about becoming someone else; it's about becoming more yourself.

It's surreal to see how different I was a year ago. I hope that keeps changing.

PDX → SFO. Here's to another year!